Expecting the Unexpected: Trust

 The past two weeks have been some of the most challenging & most heart changing weeks I have experienced in quite sometime.  On Tuesday September 25, we went to Winnie Palmer for an ultrasound & first appointment with someone from the Maternal Fetal Medicine department.  It was a routine visit & we were SO excited to see the babies again.  I think it makes the most sense to include the email that I wrote the following day to our family & close friends that tells the next bit of the story…..

September 26, 2012, 10:00 pm

Hello family & friends,
I wanted to send a little update about the babies following our appointment yesterday.  We saw the maternal fetal medicine(MFM) specialist at Winnie Palmer yesterday morning for the first time & really enjoyed visiting with him.  They performed an ultrasound to assess something called the Nuchal Translucency.  It is the measurement of fluid that is on the back of the babies necks.  Baby A measured within normal range & Baby B was abnormally high.

I am sure this next portion sounds pretty medical...I am a nurse : ) Please let me know if it doesn't make sense or if you have any questions.

Babies with abnormalities usually have a higher accumulation of fluid between weeks 11 & 14.  This assessment is (even in normal range) coupled with some blood work that together predict the risk for baby having a chromosomal abnormality such as Trisomy 13, 18 or 21.  Trisomy 13 & 18 have various anomalies that are usually incompatible with life outside the womb.  Trisomy 21 otherwise known as Downs Syndrome is the most commonly known. Because of the high number found with Baby B, I had a different blood test run that will show with 99% accuracy which Trisomy they likely have (if they have one at all).  If something came back positive I am guessing the next step would be to have an amniocentesis done where fluid is drawn from the amniotic sac. This test would be nearly 100% accurate & would be at our discretion whether we would like to have it done or not.

My MFM doctor said to not get too worked up about it & that he sees abnormal results with the NT scan followed by perfectly normal results from blood work.  He also said to not to go home & cry about it....I find this a funny thing to tell a pregnant woman who is doubly emotional at this point & overly tired : ) He was a very kind man & I did not find his comment rude in any way.  In fact, leaving the appointment yesterday I felt great emotionally.  It takes about 2 weeks to get the results back & we will hear those at our next appointment on Tuesday, October 9th when we meet with someone from the Genetics Department at Winnie.

My OB doctor called me last night to talk me through a few questions I had & was very reassuring reminding me this is just a risk assessment, not a full out diagnosis.  He also reminded me that whatever way this goes, we will make it.  So now, we just wait. I fell asleep yesterday afternoon with my mind racing & woke up thinking of a passage in Isaiah.

Isaiah 43:1-3a
But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

There is a song that I remember from when I was in high school that was inspired partially from this passage by Ginny Owens called "If You Want Me To.” It is beautiful & has remained stuck in my head for about 24 hours now....it's a good thing : )   I woke up around 5:30 this morning & could not go back to sleep.  I could tell Rob was awake too so we started talking & I had my first good cry just considering what could lie ahead for our family.  He just held me & prayed for us. It was a sweet time feeling the Lord's presence & asking for help to trust Him.  We heard the girlie pies just as we were finishing praying so we grabbed them & put them in our bed. They were extra giggly & snuggly.  The Lord knew that was exactly what I needed this morning to remind me of his faithfulness.

We picked up my Mom & Grandma yesterday evening which is SUCH a blessing.  My mom spent time this morning praying over me & reading even more of Isaiah 40-43 to me as I laid on her bed with tears streaming down my face.  I had not shared with her about the passage of scripture that came to mind yesterday afternoon so it made me smile when she opened her bible to the same spot and began reading to me.  I feel like I don't know how to feel but I know there is no right way to feel.....does that make sense? I feel very grateful to be carrying these babies. I feel devastated to think of the possibility of one or both babies dying. I feel a little intimidated thinking of the possibility of raising a child with Downs Syndrome. I feel SO much peace in my heart knowing that God is good no matter how I feel, He doesn't change & He is not surprised by any thing that catches us off guard.  Even in that, I feel like I could cry at any second. 

In conclusion, the result from the ultrasound could be absolutely nothing & we could have two healthy babies growing inside my womb but it is hard to ignore the other possibilities.  It's hard to believe that anything could be wrong as we watched them dance around on the ultrasound without me feeling a thing. They were adorable & moving all over the place. We could clearly see their profiles, arms & legs, hands waving.....it was incredible. We still can't believe there are two! Their heartbeats were 158 & 168.  Please join us in pleading with the Lord for Baby B to be healthy & without any anomalies.  Pray for us to be free of fear & anxiety as we wait for October 9th. Pray that our hearts would be prepared for whatever news we would receive on that day.  Thank you for loving us & praying for us & our growing family.  We are thankful for you!

Rob & I are headed to Minneapolis tomorrow for a long weekend while my mom & Grandma love on the girls. We are really excited to be away & attend the Desiring God National Conference & are thankful to have this weekend right now to process what is happening. We are meeting a couple from Dallas there & will get to connect with two other couples that we know from Orlando that have since moved back to the Minneapolis area .  It should be a weekend of hearing much needed truth from God's word, catching up with friends, lots of laughs, good time as a couple & uninterrupted sleep.  I am pretty darn excited about that last one ; )

Thanks for reading my novel! Love you all!

Lauren
 
So, now it is the afternoon of October 9th, the day that seemed light years away when I wrote that email.  We had our appointment first thing this morning & heard some wonderful news.  The results came back negative for Trisomy 13, 18 & 21.  This reduces the possibility of either baby having these to less than 1%.  PRAISE THE LORD! There is still a possibility of a heart defect so we will wait for the anatomy scan around 18-20 weeks to assess that. The percentage chance for a heart defect is barely above what it is for any baby so we are not feeling overly concerned. What a blessing it was to hear those words spoken & read the word “NEGATIVE” on the result page!

Here are some pictures of Baby Valentine #3 & #4 from September 25th…

 

It is seriously a shock every time we see two babies on the screen…we just laugh & say “there is really two!”  TWO precious babies….oh I love them already!

So the story did not end with the culmination of my email….nor does it end today.  We left for our trip & I had this idea in my head that it would have made more sense for the title of the conference to be one from a few years back called “Suffering & the Sovereignty of God” since I was feeling like I was actually experiencing some suffering compared to the usual ease in daily life.  God saw fit to make this conference about sanctification instead. It was called “Act the Miracle: God’s Work & Ours in the Mystery of Sanctification.”  The weekend was full of scripture & songs that encouraged my trust in the Lord to grow deeper in the midst of uncertainty. 

One thing that was SO applicable right now was being reminded of my ability (and responsibility) to fight against sin because of what Jesus has done. John Piper said during the session on Sunday morning: “He works the miracle of sanctification; you act the miracle. He produces it; you perform it. And if you don’t use your will to act the miracle, there is no miracle. God’s sovereign enablement of holiness does not contradict the act of duty, it creates it.”  So, God gives me the responsibility & power to fight against my sin through the holy spirit (Romans 8:13).  I am SO prone to wander from Christ to satisfaction in other things or people. I am prone to feel fearful & anxious when I consider carrying twins that I SO long to hold in my arms as healthy newborn babies that grow into adults I get to spend a lifetime with.  God fuels the fight against my fear, my discouragement, my uncertainty, my anxiety, my lack of trust in Him & my discontent.  He not only fuels the fight but has already conquered my sin through Jesus.

Since John Piper is much more well spoken than me, I will include another quote that explains the order of what is happening…“Let's start with the cross of Christ. God cancels our sins at the cross through faith alone, so that we can then conquer our sins by the Holy Spirit. Or to use doctrinal language, the enjoyment of justification must precede the energy of sanctification. It is crucial that we start with the cross. If we reverse the order of justification by faith alone and sanctification by the Spirit, we have another religion, not Christianity.”  As he said, it is crucial to remember the cross as we move forward in our fight against sin.

I shouldn’t be surprised by how God orchestrated each & every part of the last two weeks to challenge me to trust him & live out a life of faith that I claim to have. At the same time he lavished his love on us through the support & prayers of others. I am so grateful to be challenged, to be reminded that these children in my arms & in my womb belong to God & not me, to be given the honor to suffer, to see the perfect provision of the Lord God, to be led by a husband who loves God, to be encouraged by the words & stories of people who have walked a similar path & to have a deeper faith in the Lord because of this situation.

It makes me smile to think I picked the title “Expecting the Unexpected” as it seems continually fitting.  Only God knows what is next for our little nest.  We are confident that God is going before us & with us whatever the path looks like. Please pray with us that we can be faithful to the Lord & that He will care for the little babes growing inside.  Thank you for your love & prayers. Your prayers are powerful because they are to a God that hears us & can do ALL things.

If you would like to hear any of the sessions from the 2012 Desiring God National Conference, they are all available free of charge HERE. It's worth your time : )