Expecting the Unexpected: 19 weeks of mountains & valleys

I am officially more than halfway through this pregnancy since I crossed 18 & 1/2 weeks knowing these boys will be evicted March 22nd if they have not already left the premises : ) I feel quite pregnant as evidenced by the photo below....

There is so much to share about the mountains & valleys we are experiencing as these precious baby boys grow in my womb. I have been thinking quite a bit about the best way to share & I have decided to stick with titled paragraphs:

The Growing Belly: I love being pregnant, I really do & ask Robby to confirm but I am known to say how much I love it immediately following emptying out all contents in my stomach.  There is something miraculous about carrying a child (or more) inside your body for months realizing they start smaller than recognizable by the human eye & develop into a living, breathing little bitty human being that brings his or her parents so much delight. Knowing that it is a precious blessing from the Lord to be given the sole responsibility for these months to nourish & grow these babies, I have to smile when I feel like my body will not possibly make it to the end.  I have had relatively easy pregnancies with the girls with not much discomfort once I made it through the nausea, vomiting & exhaustion.  In the final weeks of my pregnancy with Eloise I was feeling quite a bit of pressure & some discomfort from varicose veins.  At week 15 this time around, I was already starting to notice those same feelings again & now at 19, the pain is impossible to ignore.  Realizing that my uterus is somewhere around 6-8 weeks ahead in size with a fundal height measurement that is 10 weeks ahead, I guess it makes sense as to why I am already experiencing that : ) This time around I am suffering from sciatic nerve pain on both sides as well.  Other than those two things, I feel great, barely nauseated any more & napping only about once a week so I am making it! I think I noticed myself waddling this morning...seems early for that too ; ) So, with all this baby growing I am working on, I have gained about 20 pounds since seeing that positive result on the pregnancy test. Praise God for not letting the vomiting effect my weight gain!  All of these findings are within normal limits & I say, onward & upward we go!

The Boys: These crazy little guys are movin' & groovin'! I started feeling a little wiggle here & there around 15 weeks, very noticeable movements at 17 weeks & then at 18 weeks, I could feel some giant kicks (or punches) from the outside.  Rob got quite the show while we were snuggled on the couch early last week & then last night after a cupcake with large amount of icing on top we saw some kicks from the outside.  Feeling that movement NEVER gets old & will be the thing I miss most once we come to the end of having babies.  Many people have been asking if the movement it different having two rather than one & I think it is mainly when I feel movement on opposite sides of my belly knowing that one baby is not quite long enough to cause all that commotion.

We had an ultrasound at 18 weeks & 4 days this past Tuesday & they are definitely growing! Baby A is 7 ounces & Baby B is 10 ounces.  They were both in breech position (coming out bottom first) & facing each other. Rob said it looked like a Kung-Fu fight with all the back & forth action we saw between the two. It kind of reminded me of Charlotte & Eloise in the car when they are seated next to each other. I am guessing that boys will be worse ; ) They were adorable with all the moving around, waving & thumb sucking.  The sonographer did the full anatomy scan & saw nothing abnormal with the hearts, umbilical cords, all body parts present etc.  The doctor came in to review the findings with us & reminded us that the reason I will be scanned every two weeks is to assess for any signs of Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS).  He said the current weight difference & the fact that Baby B has a bit more fluid in his sac is something to keep an eye on but is not as concerning as it would be in 2 more weeks. Still,  it could be a sign of early/mild TTTS. TTTS almost exclusively happens in monochorionic pregnancies, when babies share a placenta.  In simple terms, he described our boys as "having separate rooms (amniotic sacs) but eating from the same plate." This syndrome occurs partly because of vascular connections on the placenta between babies & in severe cases if left untreated has a very high mortality rate. Wow, that is a lot of information to take in for a mama who desires so strongly to have two healthy babies.  Recap, I have not been diagnosed with this syndrome, we are just on the look out for it.

Here are a couple pictures of the boys from our ultrasound:

My Heart & Mind: Warning- this section may be long ; ) Throughout this pregnancy, I have had moments of complete bliss like I am standing on the peak of the most beautiful mountain looking out at my future of having my hands & heart full caring for 4 children. I have also had moments where I feel like I am standing in dark pit looking up at a giant mountain on either side of me.  Realizing that I feel like I just fell from the top of the mountain on the left & am now expected to climb up to the peak of the one on the right.  Tuesday immediately after my ultrasound I went up to labor & delivery to spend the day with Chris & Amanda as she labored & brought beautiful Audrey Elizabeth into the world.  It was a mountain top experience for all who took part in that day.  I assist multiple mommies in labor & delivery every day that I work, I love it, I feel the emotion right along with them but it is nothing like caring for a couple that is so dear to our family. Looking back, I think that God let me hear (minimally) what the specialist had to share with us at our ultrasound, protected my heart & mind from a complete panic & allowed me to unselfishly engage with Chris & Amanda. I am thankful for that. I left that evening dreaming about the moment when I would hold both baby boys against my chest for the first time.  Wednesday morning, my obstetrician called to check in with me following my ultrasound. He had received the report to review & wanted to make sure I understood what the specialist shared with us.  I flipped out. I really did. I walked into Rob's office & shared with him the information I had received moments before. I felt so overwhelmed with fear & anxiety. Rob said "honey, that is basically the same exact thing we heard yesterday, just different wording." So, all I can think is that God waited until that moment for it to all click in my brain.  Wonderful timing (stated with no sarcasm).  The girls & I were headed out the door to the park to hang out with some other moms & kiddos so we went about our plans.  As we were trying to leave the girls were poking along picking up every leaf they saw along the path. Thankfully we live in Florida, not Virginia or somewhere that has a million more times the leaves ; ) I watched them for a moment & thought about how deeply I love them. I thought about how much I loved them in the womb & how I am shocked at how much it can deepen over time. This made a me a little teary eyed as I felt the twins kick. I love them too, just like I loved their sisters & I want them to keep growing & be born healthy & strong.

I loaded the girls into their seats & started the 5 minute drive home. I felt the tears coming so I turned on the music & immediately entered the sobbing stage of a good cry. I could barely drive so I stopped once, got myself together & then made it to the driveway a few minutes later. Charlotte caught on pretty quickly that I seemed upset once we were sitting in the driveway for more than 30 seconds. She never asked what was wrong but instead, out of nowhere she said "Mommy, can we listen to that song give me a peace, give me a peace?"  The song that she was talking about is called Peace & is from a Sovereign Grace Kids CD called Just Like Jesus.  We have not listened to it in months.  I said sure & put it on right away. She sang along/hummed like she has been practicing every day.  The words spoke directly to my heart. "Peace, you give me peace when the storms come & I'm afraid. Peace, you give me peace when I trust in the words you say." I was taken aback with God's care for me in that moment where I felt like I was in a dark pit again.  The Lord is SO aware of my struggle with fear & anxiety as I walk through this pregnancy that he would allow my little three year old daughter to minister to her mommy in such a powerful way in the exact moment I needed to be reminded of what is provided to me through Jesus. So, of course, I cried some more then we went inside.  Eloise was a wreck & was quite noisy entering when I heard Rob say from his office that he was on the phone & asked if we could please be quiet. He said this very nicely.  My response was to yell back "ok, we'll try" as I acted in true three year old style throwing all my bags on the ground & kicking my flip flops off (they flew like 8 ft in the air, I was kinda impressed). I grabbed the girls & stomped into their room now scream-crying. Of course they are now crying too because their mother has turned into a maniac.  Robby was there in what seemed like seconds saying "What happened? Is everyone okay?"  I got out a few incomplete sentences through my tears while both girls clung to my arms.  Robby helped me get the girls down for their naps & then took an hour off to spend with me.

We had a rough conversation trying to get our feelings out about looking ahead in this pregnancy.  I honestly had not really given any thought to the fact that Rob is dealing with receiving news about the babies too. He thinks about our future as he provides for & protects us. He just doesn't cry or scream- cry for that matter ; )  He processes differently & his frustrations come out in different ways. He is able to block things from his mind more easily than me while I feel like not a moment goes by where I forget I am doubly pregnant.  Every time I pick up Eloise I feel like the babies are going to fall out. Every time I squat down to pick up a toy I'm not sure I am going to make it back to a standing position. Every time I feel a kick I think "I love them, will they make it?"

God was so good to give me a husband that is not scared of my emotions & is willing to take the time needed to help me process through all the mess in my heart, to hold me & to pray with me. Better than my husband is this God that knows all my emotions before I feel them, who has no need to fear because he holds the entire universe together (Hebrews 1:3)  He created these babies in my womb, he chose ME & no one else to carry them for the exact amount of days that he has chosen. He sustains my body through discomfort, he renews my heart & mind  (Romans 12:2) as I confess my distrust in his perfect plan and plead for the ability to remember that he is ALWAYS faithful,  he will never stop loving me (Romans 8:38-39), he only has good for me-  he is the one who reminds me that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). God sent his only son to DIE in my place. He died for my sin, my distrust, my fear, anxiety & my selfishness just to name a few.  Jesus came near to us, he was tempted, he suffered yet he never faltered. He is perfect so we can be failures. He is strong so we can be content in our weakness. This man conquered death.  He rose from the grave & ascended into heaven where he rules.  I can trust him  & you can trust him.  In Christ, there is nothing to fear in life or death.  I have to continually preach this to myself as I am battling the fear of not having these babies in my arms when this pregnancy is all said & done.  Do I sound crazy? I am very aware of the fact that there is no devastating diagnosis for us right now as the ultrasound findings from this week were reviewed.  Knowing that, my mind still wanders, it strays from trusting the Lord & I will not give up in this fight to be faithful to a God is faithful to me.

An aunt & uncle of mine in the first 10 years of their marriage watched all 4 of their parents pass from life to death.  They cared for each mother a few years in their home or in a nearby facility where they could receive the necessary care.  This couple is selfless in the way they love others & are accustomed  to suffering.  I spoke with my aunt a couple nights ago.  She never had her own children but acts in such a motherly way as she cares for me.  She shared with my how it was to walk through so many years on pins & needles with uncertainty as their parents were diagnosed with various illnesses, made multiple trips to emergency rooms & had countless tests performed. She said that the most common thing she would say to God was "Why would I stop trusting you now? You have been faithful to me all these years."  SO, SO true for her & for me.

The Big Sisters:  On a lighter note, the big sisters are getting more & more excited!  Charlotte has not caught a big kick yet but I have a feeling she will soon as she is much more patient than Eloise.  Char always says, "are my brothas awake?" if I say "no" she immediately comes to my belly, lifts my shirt & yells "wake up brothas it's Charlotte!" Pretty hilarious. She tells every one & their dog that mommy has two baby boys in her belly. We are pretty certain on names & Charlotte knows them so we better be ready to tell the world very soon or she will ; ) Eloise is catching onto some changes like that I can't hold her all the time.  Poor girl, she still seems like such a baby! She pats my belly randomly & says "baby" or when asked where the babies are she touches the right spot about 90 % of the time. May be TMI but the other 10 % of the time she touches one of the two bumps located just above the belly ; ) Always makes me laugh. They loved meeting baby Audrey this weekend & I have no doubt they will love having TWO brothers to hold. Plus it's a bonus that they won't have to share ; )  As I am writing this I just overheard Charlotte say "Eloise, do you have a baby in your belly just like me?"

Mountains & valleys, happiness & tears, I am oh so thankful for God's provision. Please pray for these babies. Pray that they would get exactly what they need from the placenta to continue growing.  Pray that we will make it to as close to March 22nd as we can get.  Pray that they would be protected from TTTS & any other ailment that would cause a premature delivery. Pray that God prepares our faith for what's ahead. Pray however the Lord leads you & if you feel so inclined, please encourage us by sharing what you are praying.  We love walking this road surrounded by others. Thank you!