Failure & the fruit of the Spirit

Monday started off like any other day. We were up when the sun came up, enjoyed some breakfast & sent Daddy off to work.  Within an hour all four children were falling apart, I was beyond irritable & was not proud of the way I interacted with them. I received a text from a dear friend inviting us over for lunch & I looked around at my brood & thought "heck no, this crazy train needs to stay non mobile in the station!" but as I continued to hear the constant whining, I decided it might be good for us to escape for a bit plus, this dear friend has her own bunch of four little ones & is well accustomed to challenging days : ) I called her & she said no need to pack a lunch & that she would love to feed us. That sealed the deal for me & I was packing us up to get out the door. In the end, I was so thankful I accepted the invitation & felt deeply loved & cared for by this friend who pointed me to scripture providing the encouragement I needed to continue through the day.

Feeling tense after our grand exit which frequently involves a game looking much like a Chinese fire drill while trying to get everyone into their proper places in the vehicle, I popped a new CD in the player to relieve some anxiety. We bought Karis a Seeds Family Worship album called "Seeds of Character." Each album comes with an additional CD to bless someone else with & I was thankful (especially that day) that Jenny chose to give it to us! The first few were good & then we came to number four called The Fruit.

The lyrics are as follows:

Galatians 5:16 & 22

I SAY WALK BY THE SPIRIT AND YOU WILL NOT GRATIFY
THE DESIRES OF THE FLESH

BUT I SAY WALK BY THE SPIRIT AND YOU WILL NOT GRATIFY THE DESIRES
OF THE FLESH

BUT THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT IS

LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS
GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS, SELF-CONTROL
IT’S, LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS
GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS, SELF-CONTROL
GENTLENESS, SELF-CONTROL

As usual, with all their albums, the scripture is set to a catchy tune & this one happened to be upbeat. After one time through I was singing it aloud & when I hit the list of "the fruit," I started feeling deep conviction for the way I had acted that morning. I heard a word & thoughts followed...  "love"-maybe, "joy"-not really, "peace"-haha! "patience"-hmmm, "kindness"-nope, "goodness"-I don't know but probably not, "faithfulness"-faithful to God?, "gentleness"- yeah, I missed that one entirely & "self control"- DEFINITELY not! In fact, it was slightly hilarious to me that when they sing "self control" they dragged it out with a little "trol-oooo-ohhh-oooo-ohhh-oooo-ohhh" as if to really rub it in that I stink at the last one. All of this amounted to hearing the word "FAILURE!!" as I considered my thoughts & actions with my sweet little ones who have been placed in my care. 

By the time the next chorus rolled around, Charlotte & Eloise were yelling from the backseat saying "Mommy, are you crying? What's the matter?" I turned the music off & said "yes girls, mommy is crying. I feel really sad about the way I acted this morning." I repeated what the scripture said to them & began asking, "Was mommy patient with you this morning? Was I gentle? Did I have self control?" They, being the non filtered little creatures they are said "no" & reminded me of the lovely tone of voice I exhibited as they shouted back to me "You talked like this when I wouldn't put my shoes on!" Sickening feelings in my heart....really. Mostly about Eloise who is a mere three years old & probably needs assistance doing things I ask her to do & then get angry when she doesn't. 

Side story & then I will tie this all together.  In the recent weeks, Charlotte has been staying with us in the worship service. We have been excited about her interest & ability to pay attention enough to have some questions for us.  There are many short conversations everyday about why we take communion, why Jesus had to die, why we die, what sin is or how He always forgives us. We believe & are praying that God is working in heart as she ponders all these things & look forward to each coming question. 

Naturally, I feel like I am on display for my children each day to see how I respond to different situations & naturally I feel like I should perfectly display this "fruit" Galatians talks about.  God used his word that morning to remind me that I was not walking by the Spirit & instead choosing to gratify the desires of the flesh.  It's so funny to how short lived that gratification is! In the moment of sensory overload with whining & disobedient kids I just let loose & yelled as loud as I could while throwing shoes etc...you get the ugly picture right? Sick feelings follow when I act this way & I am convicted of the sin that seems so difficult to conquer in this stage of little bitty kids who need SO very much assistance with pretty much everything in life. 

As I was sharing with the girls about why I felt sad while listening to the song, the Lord brought to mind & allowed me to share something gospel-centered instead of me-centered.  Instead of displaying this fruit perfectly to my children & being boastful in how I am doing well, I can point them to Jesus by saying "mommy can't do these things on her own, I will fail over & over again. I need Jesus." Instead of saying "I just have to do it, I have to walk in the Spirit!" I can point them to Jesus by praying aloud with them "Lord, help me walk in your Spirit." Instead of making excuses like "your disobedience just made me so mad!" I can point them to Jesus by saying "Will you please forgive me? I should have never treated you that way. I am so thankful that God always forgives us!" That's what they need to see! The good news is not that "with enough doing things well & right, we make God happy" but "that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us! He can't stop loving us! He always forgives us & never leaves us!" What great news that is for each & every one of us! Through God's graciousness, he is helping me through these situations & I trust that His word that is being poured into our childrens' hearts will bear fruit one day. 

We pray that we would (and someday they would) "Walk in the Spirit & not gratify the desires of the flesh....for the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness & self control." Galatians 5:16 & 22